God Never Wanted You to Be Beaten
A Survivor’s Story of Faith, Domestic Violence, and Finding the Courage to Leave
October Is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and this is a subject that will forever be close to my heart.
Why? Because I am a survivor.
I was a battered wife in my first marriage. I know what it feels like to live in fear, to walk on eggshells, to wonder what kind of mood your husband will be in when he walks through the door. I know what it feels like to pray for the abuse to stop, to hope that this time he really means it when he says he’s sorry, and to believe that somehow tomorrow might be different.
And I know what it feels like to finally find the courage, faith, and opportunity to get out.
This is why I will never stop speaking up for women who are living through domestic violence.
Because somewhere today, a woman is smiling at work, laughing with her coworkers, taking care of her children, and pretending everything is fine.
But underneath her clothes, she may be covered in bruises. She probably is dreading her workday being over because she knows he she will have to go back to the abuse verbally physically sexually financially mentally.
And nobody knows what she lives with.
Stop Asking Women Why They Stay. Start Asking Men Why They Abuse.
One thing that absolutely breaks my heart and makes me angry is hearing people ask a battered woman:
“Why don’t you just leave?”
“Why do you stay with him?”
“Why do you put up with it?”
Let me ask you something.
Why aren’t we asking the abuser why he hits her?
Why does he slap her?
Why does he punch her?
Why does he call her worthless, stupid, ugly, fat, too skinny, or tell her that nobody else would ever want her?
Why does he feel entitled to control her every move?
Why does he think that being her husband or boyfriend gives him the right to terrorize her?
Why is it that she goes and gets a restraining order gets it enforced the police arrest him and the courts let them free all within a day. Only making him more pissed off to come and get her again..
Why is it that she has to be the one to keep moving from city to city town to town when she does attempt to leave and yet he finds her and stocks her threatens to come and steal his children or kill her in front of her children and this is allowed, but God forbid a person goes to jail for beating up a total stranger or kicking a dog not that I’m saying that any of those are right, but what makes domestic violence less of a crime than any other form of assault?
Why are we so quick to question the woman who is suffering instead of holding the man who is hurting her accountable?
I am tired of watching society put the responsibility on the victim.
Unless you have lived in an abusive relationship, you cannot fully understand what it is like.
Sometimes a woman cannot simply pack a suitcase and walk out the door.
Maybe she has children.
Maybe she has no money because her husband controls every penny.
Maybe she has no car, no family nearby, or nowhere safe to go.
Maybe he has threatened to kill her if she leaves.
Maybe he has threatened to take her children away.
Maybe she is being tracked through her phone, an AirTag hidden in her car, or some other device.
Maybe she is so emotionally beaten down that she no longer believes she can survive without him.
And maybe, just maybe, she is quietly making a plan to save her own life.
She may be saving money a few dollars at a time.
She may be gathering important documents.
She may be waiting for a safe opportunity to leave.
She may be trying to figure out how to protect her children.
So please, before you judge a woman for staying, remember that you have no idea what she may be going through behind closed doors.
No woman wants to be beaten. No woman wants to be humiliated. No woman wants to live in fear.
And no woman deserves it.
Domestic Violence Does Not Discriminate — It Has No Boundaries
There is something else I want people to understand about domestic violence.
Abuse does not care about your race, your religion, your bank account, your education, your social standing, or who your husband is.
You can be a preacher’s wife.
You can be a police officer’s wife.
You can be a firefighter’s wife.
You can be a doctor’s wife.
You can be a lawyer’s wife, a politician’s wife, a businessman’s wife, or the wife of a man everybody in town thinks is wonderful.
And you can still be getting beaten behind closed doors.
You can live in a million-dollar mansion or a one-bedroom apartment.
You can drive a Mercedes or take the bus.
You can wear designer clothes or shop at a thrift store.
Domestic violence does not discriminate between the rich and the poor.
You can be Black, white, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, or any other race or ethnicity. And as I like to say, you could practically be a Martian. Abuse does not care!
You can be Catholic, Protestant, Baptist, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or belong to any other faith.
You can attend church every Sunday, sit in the front pew, sing in the choir, teach Sunday school, or be married to the very man standing behind the pulpit preaching about God’s love.
And still go home to a man who terrorizes you.
Let that sink in.
A man’s profession, position in the community, religious title, or reputation does not automatically make him a good husband.
Some abusive men are respected members of their communities. They may be charming, generous, successful, and admired by everyone around them.
But the woman living inside their home may know an entirely different man.
That is one reason women are sometimes afraid to speak up.
Who is going to believe the preacher’s wife when she says her husband beats her?
Who is going to believe the police officer’s wife when her husband is respected by the very people she might need to call for help?
Who is going to believe the doctor’s wife when everyone assumes she has a perfect life because she lives in a beautiful home and has financial security?
People look at these women and think, “What could she possibly have to complain about?”
You have no idea.
Money does not stop a fist.
A beautiful home does not guarantee a peaceful home.
A wedding ring does not guarantee love.
And sitting in church on Sunday does not excuse what a man does to his wife on Monday.
Domestic violence happens in cities, small towns, rural communities, and countries all around the world.
It happens to educated women and women who never finished school.
It happens to young women, middle-aged women, and elderly women.
It happens to women who work outside the home and women who stay home raising their children.
There is no economic standard, no racial boundary, no religious exemption, and no profession that makes a family immune to domestic violence.
And I want to make something else perfectly clear.
Just because a woman has money does not mean she has freedom.
Her husband may control every bank account, every credit card, and every dollar she spends.
Just because a woman is married to a powerful or respected man does not mean she has someone she can safely turn to.
Sometimes the very position her husband holds makes her even more afraid to tell the truth.
So please stop assuming you know what abuse looks like.
It does not have one face.
It does not have one skin color.
It does not belong to one religion or one income bracket.
And it certainly does not happen only to women who are poor or uneducated.
Domestic violence can happen to any woman, anywhere in the world.
As a Christian, I believe we are called to protect those who are suffering, not protect an abuser’s reputation because of his title, profession, or standing in the community.
Proverbs 31:8-9 tells us:
“Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction. Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.” (KJV)
We need to speak up for women who are afraid to speak for themselves.
We need to believe survivors.
We need to hold abusers accountable, regardless of who they are or what they do for a living.
And we need to stop pretending domestic violence is somebody else’s problem.
Because domestic violence has no boundaries, and neither should our compassion, our advocacy, or our determination to end violence against women once and for all.
God Never Commanded a Woman to Be a Punching Bag
This is where my Christian faith becomes such an important part of my story.
During my first marriage, I prayed constantly.
I prayed that my husband would stop hitting me.
I prayed that he would change.
I prayed that God would somehow fix our marriage.
I went to church looking for answers, looking for hope, and looking for someone to tell me what I was supposed to do.
And do you know what some churches told me?
“You need to stay with your husband.”
They emphasized marriage, commitment, and staying together.
But what about my life?
What about my safety?
What about my daughter?
What about the fact that I was being physically and emotionally destroyed?
I carried those words with me, believing that perhaps being a good Christian wife meant enduring the abuse.
Until one day, I finally found a church that told me something I desperately needed to hear.
“God never said you needed to be beaten. It is time for you to make a plan to get out.”
Those words helped change my life.
Because God did not create women to be punching bags.
He did not create marriage so that one person could dominate, humiliate, threaten, or terrorize another.
The Bible tells us in Ephesians 5:25:
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.” (KJV)
Love your wives.
Not beat your wives.
Not threaten your wives.
Not control your wives.
Not destroy your wives emotionally until they feel worthless.
And Colossians 3:19 tells us:
“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.” (KJV)
There is nothing Christlike about a man who uses his fists, his words, his money, or his power to terrorize the woman he claims to love.
Abuse is not love. Control is not protection. Fear is not respect. And submission does not mean accepting violence.
A marriage covenant is not a license to abuse.
And I believe with all my heart that God does not expect a woman to sacrifice her life to prove she is a faithful Christian wife.
There Were Days I Prayed for Death
This is not easy for me to share, but I believe that telling the truth may help another woman.
There were days during my first marriage when the beatings became so unbearable that I prayed for death.
I wanted the pain to stop.
I wanted the fear to stop.
I wanted the nightmare to end.
But then I would think about my daughter.
And sometimes, in my desperation, I prayed that he would die instead of me.
Not because I wanted to be a hateful person, but because I was terrified of leaving my daughter behind with a man who used violence whenever he didn’t get his way.
I was a mother trying to survive.
I was a woman living in fear.
And I was desperate for a way out.
Looking back today, I thank God that I escaped when I did.
Because I truly believe that if I had stayed in that marriage, I would not be alive today.
That is how serious domestic violence can become.
This is not just about a bad argument.
This is not just about a husband having a temper.
This is not just about a couple going through a difficult season.
Domestic violence can be a matter of life and death.
The Cycle of Abuse: Why Women Keep Hoping He Will Change
People who have never experienced domestic violence often do not understand the cycle that keeps so many women trapped.
In many abusive relationships, there is a repeating pattern.
First comes the tension.
You can feel something building. Maybe he is getting angry more often. Maybe he is criticizing everything you do. You start watching every word you say, trying not to upset him.
You walk on eggshells.
Then comes the abuse.
It might be screaming, name-calling, threats, shoving, slapping, punching, or something even worse.
Then comes the apology, sometimes called the honeymoon phase.
He cries.
He says he’s sorry.
He promises it will never happen again.
He tells you how much he loves you.
Maybe he buys flowers or gifts.
Maybe he promises to go to church, get counseling, or become a better man.
And because you love him, and because you desperately want your family to stay together, you believe him.
Then comes the calm.
For a while, things seem normal.
You begin to relax.
You think perhaps your prayers have finally been answered.
Until the tension starts building again.
And the cycle repeats.
Not every abusive relationship follows this exact pattern. Some abusers never apologize, and some use control and intimidation without physical violence.
But I know firsthand how powerful the hope of change can be.
Sometimes the abuse begins with something a woman tries to convince herself is minor.
A cruel comment.
A controlling demand.
A shove.
A slap.
But let me tell you something from experience.
The first slap is already abuse. You do not have to wait for a worse beating to take it seriously.
Abuse can escalate, and the danger can become greater over time.
An apology means very little when the same behavior continues.
Real change requires accountability, sustained effort, and an end to abusive behavior. Promises alone are not enough.
Please do not gamble your life on the hope that someday he might become the man he keeps promising to be.
Parents, We Must Teach Our Daughters AND Our Sons
Moms and dads, I want to speak directly to you.
Please teach your daughters how to recognize the warning signs of an abusive relationship.
Teach them that jealousy is not proof of love.
Teach them that a boyfriend demanding to know where they are every minute of the day is not necessarily being protective.
Teach them that someone checking their phone, tracking their location, isolating them from friends, or telling them what they can wear is displaying controlling behavior.
Teach them that a man who constantly insults them, embarrasses them, or makes them feel small is not treating them with love.
Teach them that they never have to earn respect by tolerating mistreatment.
But parents, we cannot stop with our daughters.
We must teach our sons not to become abusers.
Teach your sons that women are not property.
Teach them that being a man does not mean being in control of another human being.
Teach them that anger does not give them permission to hurt someone.
Teach them to respect boundaries.
Teach them to treat their girlfriends with dignity, kindness, and respect long before they ever become husbands.
Teach them that marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
Genesis 1:27 reminds us that both male and female were created in the image of God.
That means a woman’s dignity and worth are not less than a man’s.
A godly man does not need to intimidate a woman to feel powerful.
A godly man understands that love and respect go hand in hand.
And our children need to see that example in the home.
You Never Know What the Woman Sitting Next to You Is Going Through
I want you to think about the women you encounter every day.
The woman sitting beside you at church.
The cashier at the grocery store.
Your coworker.
Your neighbor.
The mother standing beside you at your child’s school.
She may be laughing.
She may be beautifully dressed.
She may seem like she has everything together.
But you do not know what happened in her home the night before.
You do not know whether she has bruised ribs.
You do not know whether her back is covered in black-and-blue marks.
You do not know whether she cried herself to sleep.
Abusers often hurt women in places where the bruises can be hidden.
And sometimes they do not care who sees the injuries.
A woman may be punched in the mouth, slapped across the face, or publicly humiliated.
Then she may be expected to get up the next morning and pretend everything is normal.
So instead of judging her, be her friend.
Listen to her.
Believe her.
Do not shame her.
Do not tell her she is stupid for staying.
Do not pressure her to leave before she has a way to do so safely.
Ask how you can help.
Sometimes having one person who believes you can make all the difference in the world.
Galatians 6:2 says:
“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” (KJV)
That is what Christians should be doing.
Not judging.
Not blaming.
Not looking the other way.
But helping carry the burdens of people who are suffering.
Churches Need to Be Safe Places for Abused Women
I want to say something to pastors, church leaders, and fellow Christians.
Please be careful what you tell a woman who comes to you and says her husband is abusing her.
Do not simply tell her to pray harder.
Do not automatically tell her to be more submissive.
Do not make her feel that protecting herself and her children means she is disappointing God.
Prayer is powerful. I believe that with all my heart.
But a woman can pray while also making a plan to get somewhere safe.
Faith and action can go together.
Proverbs 22:3 tells us:
“A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished.” (KJV)
Recognizing danger and taking steps toward safety is not a failure of faith.
Churches should be places where abused women can find compassion, practical help, and protection.
I am grateful that I eventually found a church that recognized the seriousness of what I was experiencing.
A church that did not tell me to keep enduring the beatings.
A church that helped me understand that I needed to make a plan to leave.
Those words gave me hope when I desperately needed it.
God Showed Me That Good Men Still Exist
My story did not end with my first marriage.
And for that, I am incredibly grateful.
After escaping that abusive relationship, I eventually dated a man who treated me with kindness and respect.
Our relationship did not last, but I will always appreciate what that experience showed me.
There were good men in the world.
Men who could disagree without becoming violent.
Men who could treat a woman with respect.
Men who did not need to control or intimidate someone to feel secure.
And then, later in life, I met my second husband.
What an amazing blessing he has been.
I am so grateful that God put him in my path.
He has shown me what it means to be loved and respected in a marriage.
What it means to feel safe.
What it means to have a husband who treats you as a partner rather than someone he needs to control.
I share this because I want women to know that abuse does not have to define the rest of their lives.
There can be peace after fear.
There can be joy after pain.
There can be healing after trauma.
And whether or not another relationship is ever part of your future, you deserve a life where you are safe, respected, and free from abuse.
Domestic Violence Awareness Should Not End on October 31
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, but domestic violence does not take a break during the other eleven months of the year.
Please remember the women and children living in shelters.
Remember the women who escaped with nothing but the clothes on their backs.
Remember the mothers who are trying to rebuild their lives while protecting their children.
If you can, donate to a local domestic violence shelter in your county.
Give money.
Give clothing or household necessities that the shelter has requested.
Give your time.
Ask what they need most.
And please remember these shelters throughout the entire year, not just during the holidays.
Holidays, major celebrations, and sporting events can be especially stressful or dangerous in some abusive homes. What should be a joyful occasion may become another time of fear for a woman living with violence.
Whether it is Christmas, New Year’s, summer holidays, or Super Bowl Sunday, remember that not every family is celebrating behind closed doors.
Some are simply trying to survive.
To the Woman Who Is Being Abused Right Now
If you are reading this and you are living with an abusive husband or boyfriend, I want to speak directly to you.
You are not worthless.
You are not ugly.
You are not stupid.
You are not unlovable.
You are not the terrible things he has called you.
You are a woman created in the image of God.
You have value.
You have dignity.
And you deserve to live without fear.
Please understand that you cannot love someone enough to make him stop abusing you.
You cannot be quiet enough, pretty enough, thin enough, obedient enough, or perfect enough to prevent another person’s decision to use violence.
His abuse is his responsibility.
Not yours.
And if you are not able to leave today, that does not make you weak.
I understand.
I have been there.
Sometimes you need time.
Sometimes you need money.
Sometimes you need help.
Sometimes you need a carefully thought-out safety plan.
Please reach out to a trusted person or a domestic violence advocate who can help you make that plan safely. Leaving can be a particularly dangerous time, especially when an abuser has threatened violence or is monitoring your movements.
If your phone or car is being tracked, seek advice about communicating safely before making changes that might alert him.
Do not announce your plans to an abusive partner if doing so could put you in danger.
You do not need to have everything figured out before asking for help.
And please remember that you do not have to wait until he hurts you again to deserve safety.
My Final Message: Please Stop Judging and Start Helping
I have lived through the terror of domestic violence.
I have prayed through beatings.
I have feared for my life.
I have worried about what would happen to my daughter.
I have listened to people tell me to stay.
And I have experienced the freedom of finally getting out.
That is why I will never stop advocating for battered women.
That is why I will never be silent when someone blames a woman for staying with an abusive man.
And that is why I want every woman reading this to understand one simple truth.
God never wanted you to be beaten.
He never commanded a husband to terrorize his wife.
He never said that marriage required a woman to endure violence.
And He never said that being a good Christian meant allowing someone to destroy you.
Psalm 34:18 says:
“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” (KJV)
To the woman who is suffering, I pray you find safety, support, and the opportunity to begin a new chapter.
To the woman who has escaped, I pray you continue to heal.
To the woman who is quietly planning her way out, I pray that trustworthy people and safe resources come alongside you.
And to everyone else, I ask you to stop saying, “Why doesn’t she just leave?”
Instead, ask:
“Why is he abusing her, and what can I do to help her be safe?”
Because the next woman you judge may be fighting for her life.
And the kindness you show her today may help her find a way to survive tomorrow.
I know.
Because I was once that woman.
And by the grace of God, I am still here to tell my story.
If You or Someone You Love Needs Help
In the United States, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
Call: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text: START to 88788
Website: https://www.thehotline.org
Trained advocates can help with safety planning, finding local resources, and exploring options. If your internet or phone use is being monitored, try to contact them from a safer device.
If you are in immediate danger, call 911 when it is safe to do so.
Domestic violence is never the victim’s fault. You deserve safety. You deserve respect. And you deserve to live.
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Please share this message. You never know whose life it might touch.
Here is a link to all domestic violence shelters within the United States
https://www.domesticshelters.org/
